


A big softy really

by jamjar, Petra



Category: Discworld - Terry Pratchett, Hockey RPF
Genre: Aphrodisiacs, Cat from Hell or rather Discworld, Crossover, Gen, Not!Fic, Shapeshifting, pet adoption
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-12-22
Updated: 2013-12-22
Packaged: 2018-01-05 13:22:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,499
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1094338
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jamjar/pseuds/jamjar, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Petra/pseuds/Petra
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Geno doesn't want his new kitty Greebo to be lonely when he has a game. He's lost more couches that way.</p>
            </blockquote>





	A big softy really

**Author's Note:**

> Podfic by isweedan available [here](http://archiveofourown.org/works/1331191/).

Greebo chases a small-medium Thing From The Dungeon Dimensions into a library and ends up in Pittsburgh, where he hunts down and kills the team bus that's taking the Pens to an arena. In the wreckage, Greebo looks around and identifies Geno correctly as the individual most likely to feed him, pet him, and protect him from the consequences of his actions. He's the only one saying, "Here, kitty kitty," instead of "What the fuck was that?"

Greebo jumps off the slightly smoking engine block, makes his way to Geno, and twists around his ankles, purring. 

"Geno, don't make any sudden moves, but maybe you should--"

"What? He good kitty."

"You're bleeding. What if it's rabid?"

Geno tells Greebo that he is the prettiest kitty in the whole wide world, yes he is, he is, he is, isn't he just, in Russian. Greebo purrs like a cement truck. "Just scared! He big softy really."

"Whoa, the cat speaks Russian?"

"He very smart kitty."

Greebo can translate "Oozagoodkitty! Izit'oo?" in any language. He translates it to "Let me love you and worship you and give you all my shiny things and also, food," which is essentially correct in all particulars.

*

Geno tries to explain to his teammates that when Greebo brings in half-dead coyotes, it's just his way of showing affection. "Is cat thing! Because he think, I am not good hunter, like kitten. So he want help me train!"

Greebo leaves an elk--where the hell did he get an elk--oh god, the zoo, that poor zookeeper!--in front of Sid. "He think you very hungry kitten." Geno tells Sid this is a sign of affection, when Sid recognizes it clearly as a threat. 

"He probably only left an elk because he couldn't get a horse-head!" Sid tells Flower, who nods sympathetically.

"Véro's parents' old dog humped my leg every time I went over there. They said 'He likes you' and no. No, he didn't."

Beau asks Geno, "How the hell did he get my cat pregnant? She's spayed!"

"He _special_ cat."

Eventually the trainers complain to the management and there's an edict from above that no one is allowed to visit Geno at home until he gets rid of his bobcat because, seriously, G, we can't afford anybody else on IR. Some people sneak over to visit and immediately regret it, so the number of people willing to visit is down to zero most days, despite several phone calls of, "Sid, come over. I stay here because my dog miss me, my cat miss me, but I miss you more."

Sid wants to borrow some goalie pads before he goes, but he thinks Greebo might just take that as a challenge. Eventually he's determined to be brave and flaunt the management edict that no one should go near Geno's terrifying wild animal, especially not because they tried calling the dog catcher on it but the dog catcher said, "Wait, this is about the thing at 374 Beech Street? Out of my league, try the National Guard," and hung up.

But Sid doesn't think it's good for Geno to be alone with that thing. It's also why he's started insisting Geno text him every night, just a quick "not dead, cat hasn't eaten me."

He's a good friend.

After a few days in a row where Geno sends exactly those words, Sid starts getting suspicious and calls him. "Hi, Sid. What's up?"

"Nothing. Just wondering if your cat was playing with your phone."

"No. I got him iPad. He bat at colored lights like he want Calder Cup, until it break."

"Uh. Okay. So he hasn't learned to text?"

Geno laughs. "He smart, but he have no thumbs. Come over and see iPad game."

"I thought you said he broke it."

"First one, yes."

Geno doesn't want Greebo to be lonely when he has a game. He's lost more couches that way.

*

Geno spends a lot of time on the phone to various animal rescue organizations, trying to get help for whatever Greebo's brought in. After the first few weeks, the receptionists recognize his voice. "Hello, Mr. Malkin. What is it this time?"

"It still has all legs, just bleeding a little!"

He tries to scold Greebo, but it's not Greebo's fault. He's just a cat! With cat instincts!

He's sitting on the couch one afternoon with Sid when Greebo prowls in, jumps on Geno's lap, and looks at Sid so smugly. Sid refuses to move, but is very alert in case Greebo attacks.

And then there's the day when it's raining, so Greebo doesn't want to go outside, but he's bored. He eyes Sid, who is absolutely not over to protect Geno and just wanted to see if Geno wanted to look over some highlight tapes, honestly. And thinks, not good for petting like this, but if I was like *this*...

Underneath Sid's reaction, part of him is going "I knew you were some kind of unnatural demon cat! I knew it!" The other part of him is throwing an afghan at the suddenly appearing, naked, really built guy and fighting Geno to be the person who yells, "Get behind me! I got this!" more loudly and authoritatively.

Geno's shock is also warring with a little pride--he knew Greebo was a special kitty!--and also, a feeling that Greebo should probably not be looking at Sid like that even if, or especially because, he's human right now.

Greebo's categories are basically "thing I can have sex with," "thing I can eat," "thing that can give me thing I can eat," and "toy I can kill."

Sid has never fed him, and doesn't seem all that easy to kill and eat. This doesn't leave good options when Greebo pounces.

"No! Bad kitty!" Geno says.

"Oh my God, stop it," Sid says.

After the doorbell rings next door and Geno manages to get Sid away, Geno does think about apologizing for Greebo, again, but "It's just his way of showing affection" is a little too close to home.

"Your demon cat gave me beard-burn," Sid says, mildly shocky.

Once Greebo wanders off to investigate, still buck naked because why would he want the fuzzy blanket the other human threw at him, Sid asks, "So, how long has your cat been a person?"

"All cats people."

"No, look, just no, not right now, I can still taste his breath, okay? How long, G?"

"No idea."

Afterward, Sid catches Greebo looking him speculatively sometimes. He leaves the room when it happens. Sometimes he goes home and texts Geno from his car to apologize for bolting.

Greebo is a good cat, a beautiful, handsome kitty, and a sweetheart, Geno thinks, but yes, it is a little worrying the way he looks at Sid. And it's sad, but Sid just isn't good with cats, or he'd figure out how to be--okay, not the boss, because nobody is a cat's boss--but the bigger animal in the room, which he really is.

*

Eventually, Nanny Ogg comes to collect Greebo. Things are tense, at first. She thinks Geno's trying to steal her cat. 

Geno thinks she should take better care of her pets and not lose them, and maybe she can't be trusted to look after him properly. 

Greebo enjoys the tension, but he knows better than to disobey Nanny Ogg when she really means it. And Nanny Ogg's bad moods rarely last, even less so when she can oggle.

Geno thinks that he can see where Greebo got his worrisome look from as she oggles Sid when he politely bends down to pick up something she's dropped. She drops a lot of things, because Geno's trying to give her all the stuff he bought Greebo. He might miss his catnip penguin! And his iPad! And Sid is so polite to an old woman, of course she's going to drop, well, everything, at least twice.

In return for their looking after Greebo, she offers to make her special carrot and oyster pie for them but Sid explains that it's not on his diet plan. "Diet plan? With your young man you'd work it all off in--" Nanny gives them both a measuring look "--three and a half hours, four hours tops."

"No, thank you, Mrs. Ogg." Sid smiles in Geno's house for the first time in a while with the cat still in the room. Greebo being an actual witch's cat does explain why he can shape-shift. Sid is deeply relieved, at least until he wonders how many other witches' cats there are and whether they can all suddenly become people too.

Because they turned down the pie, Nanny just leaves Geno her Special Sticky Toffee Pudding with Double Strength Toffee Sauce. Sid protests that it's not on their diet plan either, but after she goes home with the demon cat, he's so relieved that his sweet tooth gets the better of him.

It's a good thing he only has a small slice.

**Author's Note:**

> This is all Jamjar's fault. -- Petra
> 
> Petra made me do it! -- Jamjar


End file.
